Dress Shoes

Okay. Yet again, this is a review of a very broad topic and I am sure that eventually I may get around to getting more specific and actually review specific shoes. But as for now, this is just a general review of men's dress shoes.

And like everything else worth telling, it requires a little bit of back-story. Apparently Tennessee does jury duty different than everywhere else, and jurors are required to give up two months of their lives for juror service. Now, we don't have to be there every day, but we have to call every evening and find out if we  have to be there the next day.

Well last night I called and found out I had to be there this morning. So that means that I have to look half way decent. When I first started on this juror service thing, I was all for it and suited up. Heading into month two of service, I was in a blazer and jeans. But since I am still a slave to fashion, I put on a pair of decently looking dress shoes. These are a pair of Emporio Armani lace-ups that my Mum gave to me as a gift a few years ago and I don't get to wear very often because they really only look good with jeans and I don't often dress up and stay in jeans. So I was excited because I got to wear shoes that I normally don't wear often.

Well, I wasn't selected to be on the jury and deciding that pay checks are a good thing, I called my boss to tell him that I would be able to come in today after all. I somehow got wrangled into helping out another department getting a product ready for delivery. And not having a spare pair of shoes in my vehicle, I was stuck in my dress shoes with only a thin layer of leather for support.

For five hours I stood on a concrete floor helping our mailing department. At which point my feet decided that they had had enough, gave me their notice, quit their jobs and moved to the Bahamas on an early retirement. Leaving me with some pretty pissed off ankles as they are not used to having to bear weight in that manner.

Now I would like to say that these particular shoes are just uncomfortable to stand in, and move on. Unfortunately, it isn't just these particular shoes. I have several other pairs of shoes that are all equally uncomfortable to wear. In all honesty, the ones I have on today are some of the more comfortable of my dress shoes. I have a pair of Jones of New York loafers that I think were actually designed by the Texas penal system as some sort of punishment for chronic jay walkers. 

Maybe I have a talent for going out of my way to find the most uncomfortable shoes in the world and then purchasing them, but I can't buy into that. And ladies, I sympathize with you on the fact that you have to wear heels. I am so sorry. But you have to admit that a nice pair of heels makes an ordinary girl into a damn fine lookin' woman. And I am going to go along with that same theory for guys too. Sure the shoes may be really uncomfortable, but they look REALLY good.

It almost seems that the better a shoes looks, the more uncomfortable it is. Not always, but as a general rule. The shoes I have for my tux look incredible. I have to admit that they are stunning. But I don't even think that the Marquis de Sade ever thought of something as torturous as those things.

Perhaps the theory is that the more dressy the shoes, the less time you will actually spend standing in them. Well if that is the fallacy that cobblers are working under, then I have some news for them: Some people actually get dressed up and then go places and don't sit. 

However, even with me trying to tell someone, anyone, this information, I do not think that the world of fashion is going to listen to me. So for the foreseeable future, if I want to look nice, or dress up to look either like Bond, one of the Reservoir Dogs or any of the other really cool guys in a suit, I will just have to bear the pain of uncomfortable shoes.

Rating Criteria

What are they meant for: Looking fabulous, irritating nerve endings, creating bone disorders

Achievements of said goals: 9/10

They look great and they make up for it by destroying your feet.

Learning Curve: 8/10

It is real easy to figure out how long you can wear them, but the penalty for going over this limit is steep and generally results in needing a wheelchair and orthopedic surgery.

Enjoyability: 10/10

Even as painful as they are, they still look good. And looking good is really enjoyable. Who doesn't want to look good? Well besides your parents...

Overall: Better than having a personal trainer with ulterior motives but not quite as good as getting a surprise birthday party complete with hot girl coming out of a cake.

Cold Weather

Let me start by saying, I love clothing. I really do. I like to look nice or look like a bum (if that is the look I am going for). Clothing is a lot of fun. But clothing should not be mandatory to keep from dying of hypothermia.

Those of you who have known me for more than 3.62 seconds know that if left to my own devices, I might wear flip-flops every day forever. Out to dinner, flip-flops. Construction site, flip-flops. Funeral, flip-flops. My own wedding, actually I want to be barefoot at my wedding. But you get the point.

Now being from Southern Florida, this is not a problem. I can literally wear flip-flops all the time. Then I lived a little further north when I went to the University of Florida. It does get a little colder in North Florida, but still, I could wear flip-flops.

After being in Tennessee for less than a month we had a bit of snow and I quickly learned that I could not continue wearing my lack of footwear unless I wanted to have toes snap off.

Having to put on actual shoes is not the only problem I have with the cold temperatures that accompany living in this Land o' the Hillbilly. Along about the time that the temperature gets cold enough to turn harmless little water into a hard slippery substance that has a habit of making roads completely useless, everyone in this state forgets how to drive.

I discovered last year that driving on ice takes some skill unless you want to see how many times your vehicle will spin around in a circle before you technicolor yawn everything you have eaten previously in the day onto your dash.

Now the cold weather does have its upside. The aforementioned love of clothing means that I also like winter clothing. I love coats and sweaters and stuff. They are fun. I wish I could own more coats. I keep asking people to get my coats as presents as I don't like to be cold and Tennessee tends to have lower temperatures than I am accustomed to for like four or five months out of the year. At last count I am up to four pea-coats, two full length trench-coats, a ski jacket and a multitude of various sweatshirts and sweaters. I love to get dressed up.

However, this leads me to something else I hate about cold weather: the thermostat. Apparently everyone in the universe is under the impression that if the temperature outside gets colder, that they have to compensate by having the temperature inside resemble the blisteringly hot temperatures that were present during summer when they were saying, "I sure wish winter would hurry up and get here." This temperature compensation makes it IMPOSSIBLE to be comfortable in any clothing. If you dress so you can be comfortable outside, you die of heat exhaustion as soon as you enter a building unless you take off your jacket (which is as it should be), your scarf, your gloves, your sweater, your long sleeved shirt, your undershirt, your body hair and your top layer of skin. I am sorry, this is a tad excessive for me. I don't mind taking off my coat and maybe a sweater but why does it have to be 93 degrees inside?

So I think I might just continue to rant about other things cold weather brings but I am sure they can be encompassed into other reviews later so I am going to go ahead and give you some numerical values now.

Rating Criteria

What is it meant for: Getting to wear cool sweaters and scarves and jackets, to keep old people from getting in my way when I go out, to thin out population through the subtle use of weather related car accidents, to give old people something to talk about while they are cooped up inside, to get the left-wing nutjobs to shut up about global warming for a few months, to make me put on real shoes once in a while...

Achievement of intended goal: 4/10

Too many old people still get in my way and not enough stupid people die when they hit patches of ice. The old people and idiots then proceed directly to the nearest thermostat thereby preventing me from entering any man made structure.

Learning Curve: 6.5/10

The learning how to dress in order to not freeze or overheat takes some practice. Also the learning how to drive on ice takes some getting used to. These seem like things that should come more naturally than they do. Although I might be bitter still about the thermostat thing.

Enjoyability: 5/10

While I like the clothing, I do not like to lose feeling in my fingers when I forget where I put my gloves. And while I like to come into the warmth after being outside for a little while, I do not like entering a sauna. And while I like to snuggle up to that special gal under a blanket while watching TV, I do not like being forced to do it in order to keep us both from dying from exposure. Everything I like about cold weather also gives to something that I hate.

Overall: Better than having to watch a David Blaine marathon but not quite as good as an ice cold lager after mowing the lawn on a hot summer day.

Evan Williams

So for those of you not in the know, and who might think that this is going to be a review of a person, Evan Williams is a brand of decently cheap bourbon. And I might or might not have a love affair with said brand of bourbon.

This love-hate relationship with the fire water started shortly I had moved to Tennessee. About nine months before I had visited the Jack Daniel's distillery and actually decided that whiskey wasn't all that bad. 

I should also point out that I am not including scotch in the whiskey category. Scotch is its own special nectar that might or might not have been given to the human race by supernatural beings from a plane of pure heavenly majesty. That being said, other forms of whiskey didn't have the same magic to me and I wasn't a big fan. Especially not any of the cheaper whiskeys, and being that I was a rather poor college student, I couldn't afford to buy the expensive stuff for myself.

It probably also needs to be noted that whiskey is one of the only forms of alcohol that when I imbibe, I tend to get aggressive. Not so much angry. But if I ever get into a bar fight, it is probably a good bet that whiskey will be the cause.

So back to my discovery story of Mr. Williams. I had wandered into a liquor store looking for beer to take to a friend's house and came to a very HORRIFIC discovery. Liquor stores in Tennessee do not sell beer. They only sell wine and liquor (later I would find that some sell beer over 6% alcohol). So now, I am already running late and don't want to have to stop by a grocery that is probably out of my way, so I turn to get some Jack and find out that the Evan is like half the price. At the time I believe my local liquor store had it for $8.47 for a 750ml bottle. 

I think to myself, "What the hell? After drinking it for a little while, you won't taste the foulness anyway," and grabbed the bottle and went on to my friend's house. I have to confess that I don't exactly remember the rest of that evening, but I felt like crap the next day.

But I do remember being pleasantly surprised by the fact that Evan wasn't that bad. It isn't the best alcohol ever, but it is distinctly lacking in the rubbing alcohol taste that many other cheap whiskeys tend to have. I won't pretend that I have a great whiskey palate or anything, but to me this stuff is a lot better than other whiskeys in a similar price range (under $20 dollars for a bottle).

Now I will admit, I am a little bit of a cheap skate when it comes to liquor. Beer is a different story but this isn't a review of beer, it is a review of cheap bourbon. Although it no longer is as cheap as it was a year ago (stupid economy), I still find myself buying a bottle of it from time to time. 

I even took a large bottle of The Evan to the annual Beale Street Music Festival and we managed to sneak in about a liter of it per day. We never had any left over. And I never heard any complaints from my friends about the taste.

Basically it comes down to the fact that Evan Williams is decently cheap, doesn't make you go blind, doesn't taste like it was distilled from the rotting carcasses of animals found on the side of the road and could probably get a bull moose pretty hammered. Only drawback that I have found is that I generally feel like one of those rotting carcasses used to make other whiskeys the next morning. But hey, isn't that all part of being a raging alcoholic? 'Cause last time I checked, the things associated with alcoholism were hating morning due to hangovers and having a liver that is harder than titanium bricks.

I guess I can live with that though.

Rating Criteria

What is it meant for: Killing brain cells, disinfecting gun-shot wounds, cleaning the stove, getting attractive girls more likely to sleep with me and in a pinch making you see at least three of everything.

Achievement of said goal: 7.5/10

Now this is a little bit of a sliding scale. Obviously if I drink a bottle of this I am going to be on the floor asking people to hand me down more drinks. But being cheap bourbon I am rating this on the number of drinks versus how drunk I get scale, and since it is only 40 proof then it takes a bit before I am asking penguins for directions to the bathroom.

Learning Curve: 8/10

By learning curve, I am talking about how easy is it to over do it on the first bottle and wind up with your head against vomity porcelain. Being that I am rating this on straight whiskey and not in a mixed drink I am going to say that isn't very likely unless you are being super masochistic. Although this could be my imagination, but this does seem to pack a punch though if you aren't careful.

Enjoyability: 8/10

I can honestly drink this stuff straight or on the rocks from sobriety all the way to rehab. It does get easier as the night goes on though. Although if you really object to the taste at first you can get the plastic bottle, wrap your lips around the opening, upend the bottle and squeeze to get it in your stomach faster and thereby getting drunk so quickly you could drink Fish flavored Tapioca Lemonade and not mind it so much.

Overall: Better than receiving discount brain surgery in the back of some guys van but due to potential for a fairly violent hangover the next morning, is not as good as say a few good bong rips while watching Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.

Juno

So once again spoilers will be kept to the minimum but they still might be in there. So consider yourself warned. There is your disclaimer.

So as some of my friends and family know, I am neurotic about not watching trailers and finding out about a movie before I go into it. I basically like to go in blind. This movie wasn't a whole lot different. I had seen a single trailer for it about a month ago and tried to put it out of mind.

All I knew was that it had the dorky son from Arrested Development (aka Michael Cera) and that he had somehow drugged some girl, slept with her and got her pregnant. Although the drugging the girl wasn't actually in the movie or even implied but how else is that kid gonna get any action. Actually I really like Michael Cera, but let's be honest, he isn't much of a Don Juan.

Now I know this is also a really shallow thing to say, but from the very start of this movie, I was captivated with Ellen Page (of the Kitty Pryde from X3 fame). She was adorable and quirky in a very adorable way. Her character, Juno (of the title of this movie fame), is exactly the kind of girl that I would love to accidentally impregnate... or at least repeatedly try.

Within the first few minutes I instantly fell in love with the music in the movie. It was well chosen and added to the comedy that was already present in much of the dialogue. I don't know who was in charge of music selection but they are possibly just as brilliant as whoever decided to get the wonderful and addictive Ellen Page to be in this movie.

And I know I am singling out Ellen Page for praise but that was because she was really cute, which is a hard thing to do pregnant, but she still managed to pull it off. But in fact there wasn't really anyone in this movie that didn't do a superb job in their acting. Jason Bateman (also from Arrested Development fame) was particularly convincing in his portrayal of the "less than excited to be a Dad" husband of Jennifer Garner. I am not going to take time to single out EVERY actor and actress in the movie as there wasn't anyone who really let the ball drop on the acting front.

Now, I had expected a comedic quirky coming of age story similar to the movie Saved! where a chick has to grow up faster than she wants due to pregnancy but unlike its evangelical satirical cousin, Juno actually dealt with some serious issues in a less than funny approach. That to me made this movie much more of "slice of life" story than a coming of age comedy involving pregnancy, dorky boys in tiny track shorts and oh so adorable Ellen Page (have I mentioned how much I like Ellen Page?).

Rating Criteria
What it was meant for: A peculiar take on the good ol' story of a teenage girl who gets knocked up and has to deal with that and growing up.

Achievement of intended goal: 9/10
The movie is well written and well acted. It seems relatively realistic except that real life doesn't have as many witty conversations or no where nearly as cool of a soundtrack.

Ease of being engaged: 7/10
Side note: Up until this point (read "the first two reviews") I have used Learning Curve but that doesn't really work for movies so I am going to use this category as basically the ability to forget you are watching actors. Basically how easy is it to suspend disbelief.
Occasionally with the actors (Jason Bateman and Michael Cera in particular) it was hard to imagine them as anything but the characters I had seen them play elsewhere. Even so the movie still was emotionally engaging and easy to get involved in.

Enjoyability: 9/10
Taking everything into account, this movie has everything. It had laughs and it had moments where I was ready to cry either from joy or sorrow. It was very easily enjoyed. Even the retirees in the theater with us enjoyed it (apparently movies shown from 12 - 2 in the afternoon have a high retiree population).

Overall: Better than forgetting your wash in the machine for a week and winding up with mildewy clothing but not quite as good as getting to knock up Ellen Page (but let's be honest, what is?).

Assassin's Creed (Xbox 360 Version)

So, I really really really REALLY hate spoilers, so I am going to try to keep them to a minimum but I can't very well review a game without giving a few things away so this is your warning to back out if you want. I am not going to be giving out a lot of info on it but there will be some.

Disclaimer over.

Now I didn't know much about this game going into it. I knew you were an assassin during the crusades and part of the game took place in Jerusalem. And I knew that they had gotten the rights to the "oh so attractive" chick from Veronica Mars (aka Kristen Bell). This game happens five years in the future using a machine that allows people to see the memories of their ancestors through the cunning use of... wait for it... memories lodged in your DNA. You play the part of Desmond Miles, who is a bartender/used to be assassin and whose ancestor was an assassin during the crusades.

Now part of this that I didn't realize until the credits and kind of irritated me was that Desmond and Altair, although using the EXACT same face and body, did not share a voice actor even though they sound really similar. I don't know exactly why this irritated me, but it does.

Apart from this, the game was pretty enjoyable. It does get a bit repetitious at times but the story line more than made up for this. And actually, if you are into the story, the bits of repetition kind of make sense. The only annoying part was that the voice actors of the extras obviously only were hired to do like three lines each and so occasionally you were forced to overhear the same bits of extra dialogue thirty-seven million times.

There was a lot in this game that I assume could have been missed if a player was not really into the story and so a lot of elements of the story and game could have been missed but that to me only adds to the environment and therefore the enjoyment of the game. And I fully understand someone not liking the game because they didn't like the fact that not ALL of the story was presented to them like it would be in a movie. But at the same time, if someone doesn't like this game due to that, I would also think that they were an idiot.

The ending to me SCREAMED "sequel," which doesn't really excite me. Don't get me wrong, I would love to play the sequel to this game, but at the same time, Assassin's Creed had so much story that it promised to tell you (and by this I mean explain about what was going on) and then it didn't because of what I am assuming is allusion to a sequel, that it was rather irritating. At this point in time (and that point being the point without said sequel) I would have preferred explanation of all the bits of the story rather than have the "I wonder what this means..." ending that I was given.

The game play was rather easy to pick up. Although it kind of follows a pattern set forth by MANY a game before it where you start out with uber-gear and then lose it and have to earn it back. And starting out with said uber-gear, I was unaware exactly how to use it to its full ability. But that is the fun of video games. As I earned it back I was able to figure out how to use abilities that let me do really really cool things. And the control scheme made it so that it was really easy to make my character do really cool things. However, this was a curse as much as it was an advantage. At the same time as it was easy to do cool things, it was also very easy to do not cool things which used the exact same buttons as the cool things did. In short, I could have been done a lot sooner if I could have had better control of what I was doing but as the game uses the same button combos for MULTIPLE MULTIPLE actions, the character winds up doing actions that I would have rather he not preformed.

The game (at least on the 360) also is a great way to boost your player score. I found it really easy to unlock achievements and although I haven't checked to my exact number, I think I gained somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 points for this game. And that's not too shabby for a four day weekend for a casual gamer such as myself.

All in all it was enjoyable, ending and everything. If it is the first part in a trilogy, I anxiously await the later installments. The story is great, the game play is fun, and the graphics are pretty decent (granted I am sure it would have looked better had I an HDTV but it looked good enough on my old Sony at the point blank range I play at) and that made for a altogether enjoyable experience.

Rating Criteria
What it is meant for: An action game exploring the realm of crusade-era middle east.

Achievement of intended goals: 8.5/10
The game is pretty immersive and if you are willing, lets you be sucked into the world of the game.

Learning Curve: 9/10
It takes a little getting used to, but once you figure it out, the game lets you perform incredibly cool actions with relative ease. The only downside to this is performing the right action at the right time but with a little patience and determination, this is second nature and easy as dialing a 1-900 number.

Enjoyablility: 9/10
I found this game to be extremely enjoyable. The repetition was okay because I found the parts that were repetitive to be fun. The bits I didn't like weren't repeated often and if the success of the Hitman series is anything to go by, then who doesn't enjoy playing the part of an assassin?

Overall: Better than a serving of Curried Peanut Butter Swedish Meatballs but not quite as good as a liter of relatively expensive single malt scotch with a kinky, attractive girl who is totally into you who is willing to drink it with you.

The Southern Language

Now I know what some of you are saying. Something along the lines of "The Southern Language? You idiot, southerners speak English like the rest of America."

I am here to tell you that that is false.

First, like 22% of people living in America don't speak English at all. And then like another 25% of people speak English with such a strong foreign accent you can't understand them. And then there is the south, and that's like 45% of America. Leaving roughly 33% (have I ever mentioned I am not good with math) speaking English I can understand.

I grew up in Southern Florida and knew accents mostly from the New England area. Well New England and Cuba. So I understand them pretty well. And then a few years ago (for reasons probably brought on by alcohol or narcotics) I moved just outside of Memphis. It took me several weeks before I understood ANYONE. 

A friend from here dubbed me a "Florida Yankee" and occasionally will translate from "Hick" to English. In fact, a lot of my friends here have to do this for me. Well that is, when I am not having to ask them to translate themselves. 

The Southern Language is a confusing mix of mispronunciations, word switching and replacing and confusing proverbs. All of this with a heavy twang. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I find out that there is more than one dialect of the Southern Language. The people in Tennessee differ from those of Texas or Georgia or Virginia or, heaven help me, North Carolina. Each of these states has it's own dialect and is equally perplexing to my ears. 

I have been in the area for two years at this point and have found that the best way to learn to speak a new language is indeed to submerge yourself in it. I try very hard not to speak the language myself but have found understanding it with relative ease. Now if only I could get people to not give me directions based on what the area looked like 10 or 15 years ago...

Rating Criteria

What it is meant for: Communication. That or to discuss cotton...

Achievement of intended use: 7/10

After a lot of doing, it gets the point across but then again I can usually get my point across in a game of charades.

Learning Curve: 7/10

It took me over a year to be able to understand people to the point where I don't have to ask them to repeat themselves multiple times in a single conversation.

Enjoyability: 8.5/10

What can I say? A girl with a southern accent still gets me going.

Overall: Better than being pantsless in a room full of badgers with honey on your genitals but worse than a coupon for a  "Free something with the purchase of something three times more expensive."

First!

Well, I was trying to decide what I should start out with. A movie? A video game? An intoxicating beverage? I finally came to the conclusion that maybe an introduction to the blog would be the best first post. 

This is not meant to really be taken seriously. I plan on giving my points of view (of which I have many) but doing so in a light hearted fashion. If I offend someone with something I say, I guess I am sorry but no one should be taking this stuff seriously enough to get offended by it. So I guess that takes care of the disclaimer portion of the intro.

I also want to warn people that I don't believe that I need to have intimate knowledge of EVERYTHING in order to determine whether or not I enjoy something. And that is going to be the main purpose of this blog. To let other people know whether or not I find stuff enjoyable or not. Whether or not you agree with me isn't really a big deal. If you want to know whether or not you agree with me I have devised a simple test.

1. Do you enjoy receiving oral sex?

B. Do you enjoy being poked repeatedly in the eye by a sharp stick?

If you answer "yes" to 1. and "no" to B. then we are agreed. If you answered anything else, you scare me and please seek psychiatric help soon. The kind of help that Tom Cruise thinks is useless and is in desperate need of himself.

But seriously, this blog isn't. It is just a bit of fun. So sit back and read and enjoy and hopefully you will have a few laughs. Although I can't promise anything.

~Sam

::EDIT:: I make typos from time to time... so fucking sue me.