Cold Weather

Let me start by saying, I love clothing. I really do. I like to look nice or look like a bum (if that is the look I am going for). Clothing is a lot of fun. But clothing should not be mandatory to keep from dying of hypothermia.

Those of you who have known me for more than 3.62 seconds know that if left to my own devices, I might wear flip-flops every day forever. Out to dinner, flip-flops. Construction site, flip-flops. Funeral, flip-flops. My own wedding, actually I want to be barefoot at my wedding. But you get the point.

Now being from Southern Florida, this is not a problem. I can literally wear flip-flops all the time. Then I lived a little further north when I went to the University of Florida. It does get a little colder in North Florida, but still, I could wear flip-flops.

After being in Tennessee for less than a month we had a bit of snow and I quickly learned that I could not continue wearing my lack of footwear unless I wanted to have toes snap off.

Having to put on actual shoes is not the only problem I have with the cold temperatures that accompany living in this Land o' the Hillbilly. Along about the time that the temperature gets cold enough to turn harmless little water into a hard slippery substance that has a habit of making roads completely useless, everyone in this state forgets how to drive.

I discovered last year that driving on ice takes some skill unless you want to see how many times your vehicle will spin around in a circle before you technicolor yawn everything you have eaten previously in the day onto your dash.

Now the cold weather does have its upside. The aforementioned love of clothing means that I also like winter clothing. I love coats and sweaters and stuff. They are fun. I wish I could own more coats. I keep asking people to get my coats as presents as I don't like to be cold and Tennessee tends to have lower temperatures than I am accustomed to for like four or five months out of the year. At last count I am up to four pea-coats, two full length trench-coats, a ski jacket and a multitude of various sweatshirts and sweaters. I love to get dressed up.

However, this leads me to something else I hate about cold weather: the thermostat. Apparently everyone in the universe is under the impression that if the temperature outside gets colder, that they have to compensate by having the temperature inside resemble the blisteringly hot temperatures that were present during summer when they were saying, "I sure wish winter would hurry up and get here." This temperature compensation makes it IMPOSSIBLE to be comfortable in any clothing. If you dress so you can be comfortable outside, you die of heat exhaustion as soon as you enter a building unless you take off your jacket (which is as it should be), your scarf, your gloves, your sweater, your long sleeved shirt, your undershirt, your body hair and your top layer of skin. I am sorry, this is a tad excessive for me. I don't mind taking off my coat and maybe a sweater but why does it have to be 93 degrees inside?

So I think I might just continue to rant about other things cold weather brings but I am sure they can be encompassed into other reviews later so I am going to go ahead and give you some numerical values now.

Rating Criteria

What is it meant for: Getting to wear cool sweaters and scarves and jackets, to keep old people from getting in my way when I go out, to thin out population through the subtle use of weather related car accidents, to give old people something to talk about while they are cooped up inside, to get the left-wing nutjobs to shut up about global warming for a few months, to make me put on real shoes once in a while...

Achievement of intended goal: 4/10

Too many old people still get in my way and not enough stupid people die when they hit patches of ice. The old people and idiots then proceed directly to the nearest thermostat thereby preventing me from entering any man made structure.

Learning Curve: 6.5/10

The learning how to dress in order to not freeze or overheat takes some practice. Also the learning how to drive on ice takes some getting used to. These seem like things that should come more naturally than they do. Although I might be bitter still about the thermostat thing.

Enjoyability: 5/10

While I like the clothing, I do not like to lose feeling in my fingers when I forget where I put my gloves. And while I like to come into the warmth after being outside for a little while, I do not like entering a sauna. And while I like to snuggle up to that special gal under a blanket while watching TV, I do not like being forced to do it in order to keep us both from dying from exposure. Everything I like about cold weather also gives to something that I hate.

Overall: Better than having to watch a David Blaine marathon but not quite as good as an ice cold lager after mowing the lawn on a hot summer day.