Blue Highway Pizzeria

Location:

204 North East Highway 442

Micanopy, FL 23667

Type:

Pizza

Experience:

When I knew I was coming back to Gainesville for a visit, this place was on my list of places I had to have while I was in town. It is off the beaten path as it is about twenty minutes south of Gainesville itself, but well worth the drive down there.

The place is kind of crazy and wonderful. There are strange art pieces lining the walls and a true mix of cultures both working there and patronizing the establishment. The dining room is small and cozy, but acoustically works out so that you can't overhear everything the table next to you says. This is particularly good when you have a loud group (me and my friends) come in and sit next to you. 

Blue Highway serves gourmet pizzas with combinations of toppings that you would have to be completely insane or just really high to come up with, but if you try them, you start to believe that maybe coming up with recipes while high isn't such a bad idea. I mean really, eggplant and prosciutto, who thinks this is a good idea? I do now, after trying it. Also their rosemary cheese bread is a great start to any meal in which you are going to stuff yourself to the point of having to unbutton your pants.

And while Blue Highway is known for their pizza, that is not all they have. Not by a long shot. They have some amazing salads. Amazing and large salads. And their sandwiches are pretty tasty too. Although I have to admit, since I only had once chance to go back, I didn't get a sandwich. I stuck with the pizza. It is cooked in a stone oven and I am not entirely sure what they make the crust out of, but it has almost a fizz to it. I am sure they aren't using live bees or anything, but the crust has a buzz. But in a really really good way.

Overall:

As I have said, the place isn't that big, and so there isn't much to say about it. Well other than, they have great food and it is cozy. Oh, I also forgot to mention that it is locally owned and the owner is often in the restaurant and I have had many a conversation with him. Everyone that works there is really friendly and the service is fast. And have I mentioned that the food is great? Worth the short drive from Gainesville to try if you haven't already.

4 Carats

The Pirate House

Location:

20 East Broad Street

Savannah, GA 31401

Type:

Pirate Restaurant... AR!

Website:

www.thepiratehouse.com

Experience:

We left Charleston in the mid-afternoon and were coming up on Savannah when we started to get hungry and figured we would stop in Savannah for dinner. We called a friend who has spent much time in the city and he gave us a few suggestions, one of which was The Pirate House. Having had an obsession with pirates for almost as long as I can remember, I was ready to go to this place.

The directions we received were not that great and at one point we weren't sure we were even on the right side of town and had decided to give up and just find a restaurant on the river, I happened to turn and see the building and we took this as a sign that we were supposed to eat there.

Walking into the restaurant is a little off putting because the entrance way is decorated kind of like a low-rent version of some Disney ride. Luckily for us though, they had the menu out where we could see it and the description of the food sold us on the fact we had to try it. So we went ahead and were seated. As we were led to our table, we found that each of the rooms in the restaurant have a bit of a different theme to them and none of them seem as comical and stereotypically "pirate" as the entrance way. After a short little tour we were seated and not soon after that, we were busy trying to make a very tough decision: what to have for dinner.

They had a couple of specials that evening, one of which was a grilled swordfish steak with cranberry chutney, which is what I finally decided on. However, I soon discovered that the Flounder Belle Franklin is a MUST if you find yourself dining here. That isn't to say that the swordfish wasn't excellent as well, but the Flounder Belle Franklin is to die for. A generous combination of crab, shrimp and flounder and almonds baked under a mixture of butter, melted cheese and an incredible sauce, I honestly can't find fault with this dish. There was plenty of crab and shrimp, and if I had to find SOMETHING wrong with it, I would have to say that for the word "flounder" being in the name, that seems to be the only meat in short supply in the dish, but there was a fairly good sized filet in the dish. As for the swordfish, the chutney was sweet and lent itself very well to the flavor of the fish, but as much as I enjoyed my own food, I kept trying to figure out how to trade plates and get more of the flounder.

We also ordered a desert which was a combination of white and dark chocolate mouse and covered in strawberries. It was almost as good as the meal itself. I am not a big chocolate fan but this dish will make a chocolate lover out of anyone. Like seriously, I dare you to try it and not like it. Half-way through desert we were interrupted by a Jack Sparrow look-a-like who tried to weasel our deserts away from us. I am pretty sure he was there due to the pirate theme of the restaurant, but part of me wants to think that they just let pirate-looking homeless people into the restaurant for historical re-enactments or some such. However, much to my dismay, I later saw "Jack Sparrow" giving a tour of the restaurant. Apparently this restaurant is set in one of the most historical buildings in Georgia and has been an inn and tavern for sea-farers for over 200 years.

Overall:

Had The Pirate House been just a pirate themed restaurant, it would have been all right. Had it been a pirate themed restaurant with amazing food it would have been pretty damn good. But it is a pirate themed restaurant with amazing food and a very long (and often bloody) history. That to me says that The Pirate House has character and charm coming out the wazoo and a head of kitchen that has the talent to outdo that character. If you are in the area and haven't tried this place, do so. If you aren't in the area, get there. Seriously. Right now. I am waiting.

5 Carats

City of Charleston

Before moving on from Charleston, I wanted to review the city. I had never been there before and I guess I was kind of expecting it to be a lot like Memphis or Nashville. Those being the only two southern cities I have spent much time in other than Atlanta, but I don't classify any other city in the same category as Atlanta. 

I was actually really surprised by Charleston. Or at least the parts of it that I spent my time. And I am going to admit, that most of my time was either in the downtown area, a part of town that I was told was called "West Ashley" and then out at the plantation Middleton Place. So I guess I didn't see the WHOLE town. But the areas that I did spend time in were a lot of fun.

Downtown offers a lot for visitors to do, no matter what time of day you want to do it. During the day, there is a shit-ton of shopping to do. Either on King street (which is where most of your high end retail stores are located) or on Market (which was sort of like a glorified flea market), you can find pretty much anything you could care to shop for. 

There are also horse drawn carriage rides around the historic areas of downtown. And I would highly recommend these to anyone. They are a lot of fun and aren't too expensive and you would be surprised about some of the history of the city. Like every Floridian school child, I was subjected to St. Augustine (oldest city in America and every school child is made to go in the 4th grade) a few times and that is fun. Even going back as an adult I had a good time. But I guess I forgot that Charleston has been around almost as long. So there is a lot of history there. The main difference I noticed, was that Charleston has a lot of houses and buildings that date back a few hundred years, while St. Augustine only has a few really historic buildings and then most of the houses and such tend to have been rebuilt at some point. 

But the city isn't just about history. There is a lot more to do than that. The city is also known for its plantations and most of those have exquisite gardens. You could literally spend a week just touring different gardens if you were so inclined. My sister also assured me that many of the plantations have incredible art galleries contained within but my schedule was too tight to fit any of that in although I might have to go back to find out for myself. 

I guess I cannot get through this review without mentioning food, even though for the past two weeks, that is all I have been talking about. I heard somewhere that Charleston is one of the top five cities in America known for food. I don't know if it is true, but I wouldn't doubt it. In the words of my Aunt, "It is possible to have a bad meal in Charleston, but you have to be trying pretty damned hard." I will stand by that quote. There were a few places that I wasn't extremely stoked about, but by in large, the food in this city is amazing. If you go there, I dare you find a restaurant without a single redeeming dish on the menu. And if you find yourself trying new food in this city, be sure to sample some of the "low country" offerings. Similar to creole cuisine, this simple southern style of cooking is decently unique and definitely worth trying, especially if you like seafood.

As for the night life, there is more than enough of that. Charleston is home to a few colleges and universities which lends itself to having plenty of young people out and about however it isn't just the youngsters out making you feel old and crusty. There are plenty of adults out, but it all depends on where you go and spend time, especially after dark.

Now I will admit that the city is pretty image conscious. Dress nicely, and you will find yourself gaining the respect of most of the people you encounter. You can also gain respect and envy of the citizens of this great city by name dropping. Either that you know important people in the town or an expensive hotel that you are staying at, it doesn't matter, but this town respects money. The trick I will continue to use if I ever go back, and feel free to use it as well, just as long as I am not there doing it first, is that your sister/daughter/brother/son/other close relation is getting married at one of the exclusive plantations. Middleton Place works well but there half a dozen others that will work just as well. Pick a relation that works with your age and then tell anyone that asks why you are in town about the wedding and instantly, respect and envy. It worked for me for my entire stay... even though it was the truth.

The only real complaint I had about the city was that on a weekend night, it is impossible to get a cab out of downtown. It took me over an hour and a half to finally get one and then I had to share it with three extremely drunk girls, one of which wound up puking out of the window. I am sure, that I was exactly like this in my college days, but as I get older, I don't want to be subjected to this any more if I can at all help it. It makes me feel bad about my youth. So if you find yourself in downtown near last call, go ahead and get a cab early or you seriously won't be able to find one. But even that minor fault wasn't enough to keep me from having an amazing time in this city.

Overall:

The city has great food, plenty to do to keep you occupied for at least a week's time and has some good ol' southern hospitality. Before visiting, I had no idea what the attraction to the area was, and I can say now that I have reformed my point of view. I love Charleston. I definitely will go back some day. And if anyone wants to meet up there and have a good time for a while, just let me know, because I only need a small excuse in order to head back. I highly recommend visiting at least once.

4.5 Carats

Joseph's Restaurant

Location:

129 Meeting Street

Charleston, SC 29401

Type:

"Lowcountry" Diner

Website:

www.josephsofcharleston.com

Experience:

This was place that we had breakfast on our last day in Charleston. So for those of you who want me to stop this reviewing of restaurants, you only have to wait for me to do a few places from Florida and then we will get back to our normally scheduled reviews, already in progress.

Once again, it took a while to get our group together to go out for breakfast. Joseph's was recommended to us, so we thought we would give it a try but we showed up with a group of 7, literally 10 minutes before they closed in order to switch over to lunch. They sat us anyway.

The service was really good (although this could have been in order to get us out more quickly) but no one ever complained that we were there. Apparently one of the ladies who worked there remembered some of our party from the day before when they had eaten there and was asking us all about the wedding and since I had my camera made me show her pictures. It was the little moments like that during my stay in Charleston that made me really understand what "southern hospitality" is. Memphis may be located in the south, but seems to be missing a lot of those southern charms that are associated with the south.

The restaurant itself is kind of quaint. There isn't anything really flashy about it. But when you tasted the food, you realize that the family who runs the restaurant doesn't need flash. My mother and I split two different breakfasts because neither one of us could make up our minds. The kitchen went ahead and split each of the breakfast entrees onto separate plates for us. The little touches in serving really make it feel like you are being taken care of. At least, in my opinion. 

But even if it wasn't for this the food was still very good. They have sweet potato pancakes that are just too good for their own good. They are so good that even though you want to savor them and eat them slowly, there is no way that that is going to happen. I also had half of one of their omelets. It wasn't AS good as the pancakes, but that isn't saying that the omelet too wasn't wonderful. The only complaint that I had about the food was that the hash-browns were a little soggy but I am chalking that up to the fact that we walked in as they were trying to close. 

It would have been nice to stay around and have lunch there, but as we were all trying to get back on the road, there just wasn't time. But I am very glad that I was able to have breakfast at least.

Overall:

Service was great, and extremely friendly. Food was very well presented and tasted amazing. Minus the hash-browns, but that could be explained away. I wish that we could have spent a little more time but we were trying to rush it a little in order to get out of their hair so they could prepare for lunch. On my next visit to Charleston, I will definitely have Joseph's on my list of places to eat at, and I would highly recommend that you do the same.

4 Carats

Middleton Place

Location:

4300 Ashley River Road

Charleston, SC 29414

Type:

Plantation & Gardens

Inn

Restaurant

Website:

www.middletonplace.org

Experience:

As you can tell from the header, Middleton Place is not simply a restaurant. This is an old plantation which is home to "America's oldest landscaped gardens." This is where the wedding ceremony and reception took place and I cannot stress enough how perfect of a setting it really was.

The wedding itself was as close to perfect as anything can come. Wonderful weather. Beautiful surroundings. Solo cellist. My sister looking better than any bride in the history of the world (and I will kill anyone who wishes to disagree!). The only thing that would have made me happier is if I could have stolen the day and used it for my wedding. Alas, simply not possible. I wasn't able to tour much of the garden as I was there for the wedding. What I was able to see was breathtaking though. This place really is magical. 

It is important to note that the restaurant requires reservations for dinner. No exceptions. And dress code is pretty strictly enforced. However, since the wedding was black tie, we all were appropriately dressed so I am not sure what the dress code actually is. Also it is worth noting that the restaurants are closed to the public on Mondays, but if you want to have an event, they are willing to be open to private parties, like say my sister's wedding. Enough about the rules and such and on to the important part... the food. 

There was a bit of a cocktail hour after the ceremony and during this time were some of the best appetizers I have ever had. There was a rack of lamb that was so good I literally followed around  the young girls who had it on their trays for a good forty-five minutes. They also had these little shrimp pastries which were okay and they had a crab dip that was almost but not quite as good as the rack of lamb.

When it came to the actual meal, I have to admit that I was already pretty full but I decided to truck through the meal like a champ in order to ensure I wasn't missing out on anything delicious. The she-crab soup was the first thing brought to me at the table and this alone made my decision to over-indulge in food well worth it. I am not even sure how to describe this stuff but it was very good. As far as the meal itself, I was a little less impressed. I realize that Middleton Place is known for their southern food but I can't say I was really impressed with it. The catfish tasted a bit like dirt, which in my experience either means it was cheapish meat (and for catfish that is saying a lot) or it wasn't cleaned very well. Either way, I couldn't eat that. Also on the plate was a ham biscuit thing that had honey mustard, only the honey mustard had obviously been made by the gods. I have no idea what it actually was but it was very good. There was also something called "Hoppin' John" that wasn't bad but again, not the best food ever. Or maybe I was just spoiled by the rack of lamb.

Now I think I heard someone say that the restaurant had made both the wedding cake and the groom's cake, but I can't swear by it. But for the purposes of this review I will go ahead and make the assumption that I did hear right. The cake was a white cake with a chocolate-raspberry filling, and it was AMAZING. The groom's cake was a French something or other, but was basically pastries with some sort of cream in them and I wasn't as excited about this but it was still good. 

Overall:

For the most part I was impressed by the plantation. The setting was ideal for a wedding, and the restaurant was more of the same. There were a few food type problems I had, but for the most part, it was extremely good. I am not really that accustomed to Southern cooking, so I have to admit that I am a little at a disadvantage to say whether or not this was excellent or not. But my new brother-in-law's family is very southern and they seemed to more than enjoy. So I will take it that it really was that good. And as I said, there were a few things I wasn't that impressed with, but the good far outweighed the bad. All in all, everything turned out as near to perfect as any bride could hope for and I have never seen my sister as radiant as she was that day, and I am sure that the place helped in making her that happy.

4.5 Carats

Bocci's Italian Restaurant

Location:

158 Church Street

Charleston, SC 29401

Type:

Italian

Website:

www.boccis.com

Experience:

Bocci's was the location of the rehearsal dinner. And literally everyone who was going to be at the wedding was at this dinner. Which meant we were a rather large party. I did get to the restaurant first and like I always do in a situation where I am going to be around a lot of people who I don't know very well, went straight for the bar. After two or three gin and tonics, other people started to show up and that's when the fun started.

Like many establishments in Charleston, Bocci's appears to have at one time or another actually been someone's house. The main dining area downstairs was not that big, and seemed like half of the dining room was taken up by a bar. Admittedly, I did not spend much time downstairs so the dining area might have extended into other rooms, but I cannot say for sure. Our party was placed up stairs on what looks like it might have been at one time, an open air porch. It was a large room and easily sat all 30+ of us at the table. The only part I found mildly disconcerting was the fact that the room tilts slightly and when you have been drinking for the better part of the afternoon and then come to dinner, have a few more drinks, and then have to stand in a tilted room, things can get a bit difficult.

I managed to get into a seat and remain there for fear of tipping over. And then the food started to show up. The groom's family had offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, and they have selected the choices for the meal off of the large party menu.

The servers were nice enough but as there were few of them and a lot of us, and their tip was assured, we didn't receive the best of service. If you ever got their attention and asked for something, it didn't take them long to get you what you wanted, but it took some doing and cleverly laid traps in order to get the servers' attention. 

When it came to food, I was impressed by some things and put off by others. Their calamari was very good. I think I can speak for most of the table in agreeing as the plates were cleared in nothing flat. The salads were okay, nothing particularly special about them though. As far as the entrees, I was very mixed about them. I had ordered the beef tenderloin "burgundy" and it was all right. Although, I have to say that I think they were using a lot of spices and glaze to hide the fact that the meat wasn't all that great. The side of vegetables was pretty good but the garlic mashed potatoes were in fact instant potatoes. I am not the only one at the table that came to this same conclusion and I was very put off by this fact. I wasn't able to try any of the other entrees but from the general reaction of the party, I don't expect that they were any better than my meal.

Overall:

All in all, the meal was okay, made up mostly by the company I had (I managed to sit next to my brother and his girlfriend and we kept each other entertained). The meal itself though wasn't particularly amazing. I am not going to try to dissuade anyone from trying Bocci's but I wouldn't recommend taking a large group there. Perhaps their normal menu is amazing, because I have heard from other people that it is a pretty good restaurant. Pricing isn't that bad, but I was not impressed by anything I ate there.

1.5 Carats

Henry's Bar

Location:

54 North Market Street

Charleston, SC 29401

Type:

Bar

Experience:

After leaving Club Habana, I wasn't ready to call it a night yet. So I went down Market Street, trying to find another bar to spend some time and money at.

Eventually, I came across this bar called Henry's. There were a few guys out front and I stopped and asked them if the bar was any good. We had a short conversation about how I defined a "good" bar and I explained about my downer of a bachelor party. They then told me to come in and have a drink with them. After a little bit more conversation, they just put me on their tab and I wound up not having to pay for my drinks.

This place is a pretty run of the mill bar from the looks of things. I think there was a juke box on one wall, some booths on another. Not a whole lot to set this place apart from other bars. But the bartenders were really nice and it is PACKED on a Saturday night. Had it not been for my new-found friends, I would never have been able to actually get at the bar for a drink.

And the diversity of the people in the bar was also just a strange mix of everyone. There were a lot of college girls and guys hanging out, but there were also a lot of older professional looking types around the place. The fact that this diversity was present definitely adds to this places charm. As I had been told before entering, "Henry's is the place where everyone in Charleston eventually winds up." I guess this is true. It does seem like a catch-all type bar. Eventually my new friends ordered shots for every girl in the bar (and all the bartenders) and that really started a party going. 'Cause really, who doesn't like free shots?

I went back the next night, and admittedly, on a Sunday, there wasn't a very big crowd. But the bartenders were still really friendly and I found out that drinks were not too bad on the price front. They are on par with every other bar. Without the huge crowd hindering my view I realized the place is a lot  bigger than I had thought the night before. And for having such a large crowd in there the night before, the place was really clean, even the bathrooms, and that kind of gave me a good feeling. The bar is well run and well maintained. So really, how can you go wrong with that?

Overall:

My point of view for Henry's may be a little biased due to having a couple of guys make my night rock, but that is not going to stop me from letting it happen. This bar really isn't special except for how popular it seems. And boy is it ever popular. Bars with a large following can be a lot of fun if you are the mood, and if you are in the mood for a big crowd, I could safely recommend Henry's to you. Although if you stay until last call and are in need of a cab ride home, you are unfortunately S.O.L. but that isn't the bar's fault and I will address that in my general review of the city of Charleston. So look for that soon. Until then... 

3 Carats

The Tinderbox/Club Habana

Location:

177 Meeting Street

Charleston, SC 29401

Type:

Cigar Bar

Website:

www.tinderboxcharleston.com

Experience:

So, I left off at the Kickin' Chicken and when the bachelor party was leaving here it was around 10:30 PM on a Saturday night and the rest of the guys had pretty much had enough. They wanted to go back to the hotel and go to bed. This being my only Saturday night in Charleston, and a decent buzz going, I was not going to turn in so early. I bid them a farewell, told them I would catch a cab back and wandered further into downtown to stir up some trouble.

I had been told of a cigar bar in the downtown area, and with a quick phone call for directions, I was on my way. A few blocks later, I was standing in a shop with all of it's walls lined with humidors. In short, I was home. A few inquiries later and I had purchased a cigar from The Tinderbox and was making my way up the stairs to Club Habana which as it turns out is A LOT like someone's house if they converted it into scotch and cigar bar.

The entire place is very dimly lit, which works if you bring some friends or more appropriately a special someone with you. However, I was by myself so I went to sit at the bar. Only trouble was that there was a bachelorette party going on and there were no seats at the bar. I decided to order a scotch and just wander around a bit. The bartender wasn't rude or anything but not overly friendly either. And the scotch was expensive. While I realize that scotch ordered at a bar is generally going to put me back a bit, the prices at Club Habana were even more than I am used to paying.

However, with scotch in hand and cigar in mouth, I started wandering around. I said it already, this place is a lot like someone's house converted into a bar. There are many rooms, each with large overstuffed chairs and couches in smallish rooms. I felt kind of strange just walking around so I finally took a seat on a couch only to realize that there were waitresses wandering around. I guess it was a good thing that I had ordered at the bar so that I realized what my drink cost instead of opening a tab with a waitress and winding up spending a shit-ton of money in a relatively short amount of time. 

The atmosphere here was nice and intimate but since I was alone I just watched the other groups, huddled together in conversation or plotting bank robberies. In the low light and high ambient noise, it is hard to tell exactly what is going on. It wasn't a bad bar, but just not what I was looking for that evening, so when my scotch had been drained, I went ahead and cleaned up after myself and took the glass back to the bar and then left, taking my unfinished cigar with me out into the downtown. So yeah, I was that weird guy in a lamb skin pea-coat walking around trying to convince everyone that a cigar is just a cigar. Really, it's just a cigar. Go away Mr. Freud, I am not talking to you any more.

I did return to The Tinderbox the following morning for my cigar purchasing as I didn't want to have to walk around with a bag full of cigars the previous evening. I then found out that the shop has a small supply of pre-embargo Cubans that are pretty inexpensive. And the guy working there was really nice and helpful in finding me cigars that I would like and suggested some smokes that I probably wouldn't have otherwise tried.

Overall:

I liked the place but wished I had taken someone with me. Do not go here by yourself, it just isn't worth it and you wind up feeling kind of sleazy just wandering around watching other people interact. However, it seems like a great place to take a date. The drink prices are high but the cigar prices are fairly low so it kind of evens out. And the service staff is helpful enough. All in all, if you are in town and like cigars, this is definitely a place you are going to have to stop by.

4 Carats

The Kickin' Chicken

Location:

(there are multiple locations in the Charleston area, check the website for address. I am going to be reviewing the one that I visited in downtown)

337 King Street

Charleston, SC 29401

Type:

College Bar

Website:

www.thekickinchicken.com

Experience:

For those of you keeping track, I have more or less been going in order of my experiences with different establishments. And we last left off with dinner on Saturday night, which was visited with the bachelor party.

Well the party didn't stop there. It was fairly early on a Saturday night and so we decided that we should go and do something else. However, I said in the last review, that half of our party does not drink alcohol which led us to have more problems trying to figure out where we were going. Well, since none of us had any other ideas, we decided to ask the young guy that was working the desk at our hotel. 

Rule of advice. If you are looking for something to do on in a town you are unfamiliar, the stoner kid working the hotel front desk on a Saturday night is probably not the best person to take advice from. But hindsight is 20/20 so we took his advice (and promises of pool tables) and made for the Kickin' Chicken in downtown Charleston.

When we found the place, we quickly realized that there were no pool tables but as it took us over an hour to come up with a single place to go, we didn't dare try to make for another location so we just took up residence at a table in the back and watched the UNC v. Duke game that was on TV. And the place did have plenty of TV's to watch. 

The place is pretty much a typical college bar. Not much money spent on the decor, but instead all of it put into really nice giant plasmas everywhere to watch sporting events. Food consisted of typical bar food (wings, sandwiches, appetizers), and other than cute names, I didn't see anything particularly interesting. Their draught beers left much to be desired as they only had the same four as every other bar on the planet. The one beer they were pushing as if it were new and interesting was Yuengling, which is an okay beer, but it isn't anything really special. 

The waitress was fairly nice to us, and at one point when they ran out of clean glasses and she had to resort to plastic cups, apologized profusely as she could tell that the older members of our party were not happy with this development. Since we had been to dinner a few hours earlier, we ordered a few appetizers and split them around the table but none with much gusto. The food was all right but nothing that couldn't be served at Corner Bar in Everytown, USA. 

(Picture from ladies room coming soon...)

Overall:

Other than the name, this was the same wing bar that exists next to every college campus in America. It didn't feel as clean as most bars which lends itself to some atmosphere but this place just had no personality. Needless to say I wasn't impressed. The only thing I really liked about this bar was that during a trip to the restroom which I accidently used the ladies, there was a poster soliciting the sale of eggs. It's sad when that is the best part of a bar. I am going to follow my newfound rule and never get advice from the stoner kid working the hotel front desk again...

1 Carat

California Dreamin'

Location:

1 Ashley Point Drive

Charleston, SC 29407

Type:

American Fare

Experience:

As with Tropical Toast, I wound up eating at this place twice. Once for dinner on a Saturday night and once on Monday afternoon for lunch. The reason was more due to the location than anything else (it was literally across the parking lot from where I was staying). Although, anyone that knows me knows that if I wasn't at least satisfied with my first meal, I would have gotten a cab to go somewhere else instead of going back.

My first experience was on a Saturday night during my soon-to-be brother-in-law's bachelor party. This bachelor party was not organized very well in advance, and we had to take into account that half of the members of the party were over 50, and the other half were in their mid-20's. Added to this was the complication that half of our party of ten do not imbibe alcohol ever. Not to be completely defeated, my uncle suggested that we all go to dinner and when we agreed he admitted that he had already taken the liberty of making us a reservation at California Dreamin'.

When we got there, it was crowded. VERY crowded. If you are going to go on a Friday or Saturday night, I would strongly suggest reservations. The restaurant is in a circular building with the kitchen toward the middle which allows for the giant windows surrounding the outside and giving patrons a view out over the water from pretty much wherever in the restaurant they are seated. The other thing worth noting is that while there isn't a strict dress code per-say, they do have standards and will not seat people unless they are at least looking decent, so no shorts or ripped up pants.

As I said, we were a group of ten and we had reservations and I barely had time to finish one drink at the bar before our table was ready. Our waiter was very friendly and made good suggestions. There were a couple of appetizers ordered but I think that the crab claws were the hit on that front and were quickly devoured by our group. Also, if I remember correctly, the waiter said that all of their salad dressings were made in house and the salad was pretty good, although it does come with almonds and eggs, but are perfectly happy to leave these items out upon request.

As far as dinner went, I was craving red meat and order the sirloin. Also for anyone who has never gone out for steak with me, I am kind of insane about my meat. To say I like it rare, would be putting it mildly. When I cook my own steaks I get my heat source as hot as possible, sear either side of the meat for 30 seconds to a minute and that's it. So I asked the waiter if they could do the steak "as rare as legally possible." He told me he would give the cook my exact words. My steak came out PERFECT. My baked potato was left forgotten as I reveled in my steak. It was incredible and had that cold, red, bloody, raw center that most restaurants simply refuse to bring me. Although the baked potato wasn't bad either. 

All in all the dinner was really good. Their selection of draught beers left a little to be desired but they do have some local brew and that was decent enough, and their liquor wasn't overly expensive if you would rather have a go at that. These are the things that led me to come back on Monday afternoon while waiting to get ready for the wedding itself.

I have to say, as good as my meal was on Saturday, I was very disappointed with their lunch offerings. The restaurant isn't exactly cheap and when I ordered a burger while sitting at the bar, I have to say I was expecting a little more than just a standard fare burger that I was served. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't outstanding either. Something that any chain restaurant with a burger on their menu could have brought me. So I was a little disappointed with that.

But I do have to point out that the bartender went out of his way to discuss beer and brewing with me.  And when I ordered a beer that was only on tap on the patio bar (which was closed) he went out and got it for me anyway. The service was still really good, and the bartender was telling me of local breweries and suggesting different beers that I might try, and this gave him bonus points that the food didn't get.

Overall:

Like I said, prices are a little high here, but not unreasonable. I would recommend coming for dinner, but again, make reservations. The restaurant itself is a little out of the way if you are staying in downtown but only by a few minutes (a 6 dollar cab ride from the heart of downtown) and the view more than makes up for this. From my experience, the service staff is all very friendly and helpful, so I have no complaints on the service end. I can't say that I could recommend this place for lunch though and that gives me a little bit of hesitation. All in all though, it is worth a try.

3.5 Carats

Tropical Toast at Diana's

Location:

155 Meeting Street

Charleston, SC 29401

Type:

Caribbean Diner

Website:

www.tropicaltoast.com

Experience:

We actually liked this place enough to have breakfast here two mornings in a row. Although, admittedly, the second morning was only because we went somewhere else which had an hour wait to get in. So instead we decided that our breakfast the morning before at Tropical Toast was good enough to be repeated. This was great for me as it let me make up for a terrible mistake I had made the previous morning:

I had ordered the wrong thing.

Being that we were a large group and it was generally difficult to make decisions and the round everyone up to go places, a small number of us had set out the first morning for breakfast. My sister recommended that we go to this place. However, we wound up parking on the wrong side of downtown and then had about a 12 block hike to the restaurant. Being accustomed to hikes for food on vacation (notoriously was the one in Tulsa) I was up for it. But not really being accustomed to my sister making decisions about restaurants, I can't help but say I was nervous.

When we finally arrived, I was kind of in shock. This place looks like Jimmy Buffet on some severe happy pills went NUTS. It's bright. VERY bright. Which I can't say I enjoyed first thing in the morning. But they do serve booze at breakfast and that I approved of. A few mimosas later and I have to say I was a fan.

The waitress was really nice and remembered us the next morning (even to the point of remembering which of us had regular and which had decaf). Food was brought to us quick, which was a little surprising as busy as they were, but it was hot and fresh and tasted damn good.

Now I do have to admit, the first morning, in spite of being told that I should order the "famous" Eggs Meeting Street, I instead ordered an Irish Omelet which was an omelet with cornbeef and hash. Served with a choice of home fries or grits and toast or english muffin, there is definitely enough food to feed even the hungriest breakfast goer. The omelet wasn't bad. But when I saw the Eggs Meeting Street I was ashamed that I hadn't ordered it. This was something I remedied the following morning.

Two fried green tomatoes, on top of which they place two crab cakes, on top of which they place two poached eggs and then top the whole thing off with Remoulade sauce. This was not something I could have come up with in my wildest culinary dreams. And it was SO good. Even those in the party who are normally opposed to fried green tomatoes were impressed by this dish devised by some Charlestonian genius chef. Like seriously, this guy (or gal) needs a medal.

On top of this, the coffee was strong and fresh. And the greeter at the door was hilarious and kept us entertained as we waited for seating. Very hard to find fault with this place as a breakfast must if you are in town. I just wish I could have sampled their lunch or dinner menus. But alas, we only had so much time.

Overall:

Prices were not too bad considering the size of the meals. It might be a little high for breakfast being somewhere in the $8-12 range plus mimosas. But really, where can you eat for less than that these days? Service was nice and the decor was... well it was. But don't let the decor put you off. The food is better than that scared feeling you get when you open the door and it is brighter inside than out (even on a clear day with the sun shining). Thinking back on the Eggs Meeting Street and mimosas, I would highly recommend this place for breakfast.

4 Carats

The Wreck of Richard and Charlene

Location: 

106 Haddrell Street

Mount Pleasant, SC 29464

Type:

Seafood

Experience:

Finding this place is no easy task. We were following someone who had been here several times and even he got lost along the way. It is set toward the back of a residential neighborhood and has no sign (at least from what I could tell) of any sort. It was dark but even when we found the establishment, I wasn't sure that we were at an eatery.

The restaurant was pretty great. We had a very large group and showed up about an hour and a half before they closed. We did have to wait a bit as it was a Friday night and they were busy and they do not accept reservations. And come to mention things they do not accept, they don't accept any form of payment other than cash. Which can be troublesome if you are not aware of that prior to them bringing the check.

The atmosphere is a little on the barren side. It is kind of like eating on a dock actually. Most of the furniture is patio furniture, and we were lucky to eat there on a cool night, 'cause as far as I could tell, the entire dining area is a screened in porch with no AC. But the staff is more than friendly and it really works for the place. Keep in mind, it is a restaurant entitled "The Wreck". You can't very well be expecting lavish expenditures on the decor. And as long as the weather is fair and there is a breeze, the lack of AC isn't really a problem. I might avoid this place in July and August however.

When the servers come to get your order they drop off bowls of boiled peanuts as a snack while you wait. I thought this was sort of a fun southern touch and fit nicely with the theme (or lack thereof) of the restaurant. As for the food itself. It was decent enough. The seafood was fresh, cooked to order and pretty darn tasty. They were out of most of their soups by the time we got around to ordering which was a bummer 'cause their soups looked pretty good. I ordered grilled dolphin (mahi mahi for those of you who insist on calling it that) and damn was it good. Comes with white beans, hush puppies and fried hominy (which was a shock as I thought it was a hush puppy). From what I could tell, everything was from scratch. I shared in a little of the food from others as well as everyone sort of passed their plates around. The shrimp in particular were incredible.

Then came desert. They  assured us that they made all of their deserts from scratch, but I don't know if I can vouch for this. Several people ordered banana pudding which they said was good enough. As for me, I ordered key lime pie as I am always on the look out for a good key lime pie. Once again though, the lateness of our arrival came back to haunt us as the pie was almost frozen. Not to be hindered by this, me and everyone else in my situation just picked up our key lime pie-sicle and munched down. It was really damn good once you figured out the trick to avoid the dreaded brain freeze. 

(pictures of this coming soon)

All in all this place was pretty good. A little on the pricey side, especially if you are looking for big portions. The portions aren't small mind you, but they are not the Super Sized feeding troughs seen all too often in restaurants these days. The price is more than worth it though when you consider how great the food tastes.

Overall:

I would like to have given this place 4 carats. It could have been better, but not a whole lot. If you wind up in the Charleston area and don't mind crossing that oh so cool suspension bridge into Mount Pleasant, I would suggest you find this place if you are in the mood for some good seafood. But, I would also suggest you call and get directions 'cause it is NOT easy to find. And don't forget to bring cash. All this taken into consideration I have to knock a little off the score.

3.5 Carats

The Apple v. Microsoft Debate

I am probably about to alienate myself from friends and family everywhere. And please, do not get me wrong, this review is not my endorsement of either Apple or Microsoft but instead is a review on the ongoing debate between fanatics on either side of the fence.

It seems in the computer world (read: the intarwebs [for those who have been absent from the internet until now that is the slang for the place you go to pull up the email account you don't know how to use other than to send me annoying fwds]) these days, there is almost nothing more polarizing than the debate about which is the superior product: Apple or Microsoft. This debate ranks right up there with politics and religion. Neither side ever makes any headway against the other, but instead just fancies up their way of arguing.

Now, just like with politics and religion, I grew up in a split household. Literally. My Mum and Dad were divorced and at my Dad's, I always had a Mac, and at Mum's I always had a PC. Dad is what I am going to term as a "Mac Wanker". Also known as a "Apple Fanboi" or "Pompous Ass," the Apple Fanatics of the world refuse to admit fault with "superior product" even when shows hard evidence as to its shortcomings. But more on that later. Dad was the system admin of several college Graphic Arts computer labs starting the days when their was a such thing as Graphic Arts computer labs.

Mum, on the other hand was basically computer illiterate, but due to my Uncle wanting her to advance herself technologically, always had one that I could appropriate for my use. Then in high school and later college I discovered the miracle that was PC gaming and found friends that shared this passion (read: obsession). These friends, while seeming good-natured, could be termed, "Microsoft Lemmings". Also can be correctly identified as "Obsessive Porn Viewers," "Trash-talking, non-deodorant wearing, over-caffeinated, adolescents," "Antisocial Pencil-necked Geeks" or, in short, "Virgins". 

Now, in my experience, contrary to what it seems the Apple commercials would like you believe, there are no dividing lines between these two armies in regards to age, gender, job type or any other discernible demographic. It seems to come down to sheer preference. Also, not everyone falls into one of these two camps. There are also a lot of people out there that fall into the "I couldn't give a shit so please stop subjecting me to your narrow-minded-computer-manufacturer recruitment speeches" camp. I fall into this camp.

I have experience with a lot of different computers from a lot of different hardware manufacturers. I have a decently top of the line G5 at work, until recently had a custom Athlon 64 machine at home, and also am in a household  which owns an Apple Powerbook, both an HP and Dell desktop and my significant other has an Alienware laptop. A little secret to you all no matter which side of the fence you are on: THEY ALL CRASH! And usually at the most inopportune moment ever. The G5 crashes three or four times a week. The Athlon system's motherboard went out, the Powerbook has been in and out for service and as for the Alienware, I am pretty sure that my S.O. would like to set it on fire just to watch it burn. So to all the Apple fanatics out there, your argument that at least Apple doesn't have a "Blue screen of death" holds no water for me.

Also to the Apple side I have heard it said that Apple is the superior hardware manufacturer and that their "easy to use" OS is just a vector on which to use their hardware. If that is the case, why then are they now using Intel processors? And the OS is really easy to use, if you know what you are doing. Guess what. Windows is pretty easy to use if you know what you are doing.

But now don't think that PC users are going to get off easily here. I hear all the time that gaming is SO much better and easier on a PC due to selection, better graphics etc. etc. etc. Well Apples can be installed with Windows, and most new Motherboard configurations can support whatever whacked out video card combo you want to put in there. And from what I have been reading recently about the new Apple-Intel computers, they run Windows and Windows based programs with less problems than PCs. But that throws out the "Apples don't have viruses argument."

I guess one of the main arguments against PCs would be that I don't think I have ever heard of a "Hardware conflict error" when it comes to Apple. But that only stems from the fact that with Apple products, you don't have a lot of choice when it comes to hardware. You have what Apple makes and maybe a one or two third party options. Oh and then there is the whole price tag thing. Apples tend to seem A LOT more expensive until you start to customize a PC and then they sort of get into the same price range. But you don't really get to customize an Apple much and that bugs some people.

But it boils down to. Neither one is a "superior" product. They both have shortcomings. They both have advantages. And please don't bombard me with literature of how I am wrong about something or other or how I am misguided about some other thing. Can't we all just agree to disagree? You  know, like the Israelis and the Palestinians?

Rating Criteria (Keep in mind, I am reviewing the debate here)

What its meant for: To give me a headache, to give people with too much time something to argue about on online forums, to give Justin Long something to fall back on if his acting career falls through.

Achievement of Said Goals: 10/10

It gives me a headache. I bet you are hard pressed to find a single internet forum where this debate hasn't come up at least once and Justin Long totally got his start in those damn annoying and pompous commercials. Those commercials are SUCH false advertising by the way.

Learning Curve: 0/10

It is IMPOSSIBLE to learn how to stay away from some idiot that is trying to convince me one product is better than the other. For me, it is like trying to walk into an abortion clinic in the heart of the Bible Belt in a fundamentalist Christian-Republican's hometown during an election year.

Enjoyability: 3/10

There is nothing enjoyable about this debate... unless we somehow can make robots out of both PCs and Apples and have them attack each other like on that old TV show Robot Wars. That would be fun.

Overall: Better to have this debate than not to have computers and intrawebs and video games. With the whole competition thing, products get advanced and every few months we get neat gadgets and upgrades on which to blow our paychecks. But I would rather have to sit through having my wisdom teeth removed by the Dentist from Little Shop of Horrors than to have to hear why one products is better than another ever again.

Pinnacle Vodka

So over the weekend I was helping some friends move and after the second day of moving furniture into a house that I think was designed as a practical joke to prevent people from being able to put furniture into their own home, we were all pretty wiped out. So we decided that we should drink our muscle aches away.

Normally I stick with beer, occasionally venturing into the realm of whiskeys or VERY occasionally (usually when out at a bar or club) go with a gin and tonic. I don't really like mixed drinks all that much and instead stick with drinks that I can either enjoy on the rocks or (as I would rather) "neat". I would go out on a limb and say that most of the liquor (75% or more) that I drink, is at room temperature with no mixer. Call me crazy. But as I said before, normally I stick with beer. 

Well as our muscles started to stop hating us so much, and deciding that we were all staying the night, a bottle of Smirnoff was brought out from its hiding spot (I suspect the freezer). After a good many shots, I started to try to remember why I was opposed to vodka. I couldn't really come up with a logical reason, but that most likely was due to the excess of alcohol that I had consumed. 

So I forgot all about my drunken Saturday night until Monday on my way home from work. Remembering that I was out of bourbon once again I decided to stop off at the liquor store and restock. But as I entered the store, I remembered the vodka and decided that it might be nice for a change of pace and quickly wound up on the vodka aisle. And being the cheap skate that I am wound up on the cheap end of said vodka aisle. I found a blueish bottle with the name "Pinnacle" on it. Seeing that the price was $12 for a 750ml bottle (only slightly more than my friend Evan), I figured "what the hell" and bought it.

Upon opening it and pouring myself a room temperature shot, I was REALLY surprised. I was pretty much expecting what I had paid for and that being gasoline disguised as alcohol. What I had instead was a crisp, clean flavor that didn't leave my throat feeling like I had swallowed glass. It has a taste to me almost like the pure taste of distilled drinking water, only vodka. 

Actually reading the bottle, this stuff boasts claims of being made from spring water from the Champagne region of France and being handcrafted in small batches. I don't know if any of that is true, but I wouldn't be surprised. This stuff is good. It doesn't have the burning sensation I normally attribute to vodka. I didn't bother putting it in the freezer or mixing it into a mixed drink. I literally poured myself a few fingers in a glass and sipped on it for the few hours I was on the computer. I also found that it doesn't have much of an aftertaste. It tastes like crisp vodka for a second and then is gone. 

As for the morning after, I felt great. No hangover. Granted, I only had between 4 and 6 shots over four hours, but still, I felt great this morning. 

Rating Criteria:

What it's meant for: Drinking to feel warm, loving or able to put up with in-laws and newborns.

Achievement of said goals: 9.5/10

Again, since this is liquor, I have a sliding scale. I am rating this really highly because although I bought it for the alcohol, I discovered it was pleasant to drink as well. It doesn't get a 10 because it is still vodka and however good it is, it is still vodka. But it is cheap and tastes great. Better, in fact, than most of the "premium" vodkas that I make fun of people for liking.

Learning Curve: 9/10

I think it would take a person who really hated themselves and decided to attack their liver to make this stuff make a mess of your evening. And the feeling that I woke up feeling like I spent the previous day sober, leaves me saying this is magical. It is a potion given to me by the gods of alcohol I am sure.

Enjoyability: 10/10

It tastes great. Doesn't leave me throwing up either during the night or the next morning. It leaves my wallet with that nice full feeling and I haven't tested this out, but I am sure it would be a hit at a party. I can't really find fault... other than the fact that it is vodka, but I am overlooking that.

Overall: Better than being forced to sit and watch a Golden Girls marathon A Clockwork Orange style but not as good as dressing in your favorite jeans (the ones that make your bottom look particularly good) while having a good hair day and just knowing that you are really hot and having heads turn to follow you everywhere you go.

Dress Shoes

Okay. Yet again, this is a review of a very broad topic and I am sure that eventually I may get around to getting more specific and actually review specific shoes. But as for now, this is just a general review of men's dress shoes.

And like everything else worth telling, it requires a little bit of back-story. Apparently Tennessee does jury duty different than everywhere else, and jurors are required to give up two months of their lives for juror service. Now, we don't have to be there every day, but we have to call every evening and find out if we  have to be there the next day.

Well last night I called and found out I had to be there this morning. So that means that I have to look half way decent. When I first started on this juror service thing, I was all for it and suited up. Heading into month two of service, I was in a blazer and jeans. But since I am still a slave to fashion, I put on a pair of decently looking dress shoes. These are a pair of Emporio Armani lace-ups that my Mum gave to me as a gift a few years ago and I don't get to wear very often because they really only look good with jeans and I don't often dress up and stay in jeans. So I was excited because I got to wear shoes that I normally don't wear often.

Well, I wasn't selected to be on the jury and deciding that pay checks are a good thing, I called my boss to tell him that I would be able to come in today after all. I somehow got wrangled into helping out another department getting a product ready for delivery. And not having a spare pair of shoes in my vehicle, I was stuck in my dress shoes with only a thin layer of leather for support.

For five hours I stood on a concrete floor helping our mailing department. At which point my feet decided that they had had enough, gave me their notice, quit their jobs and moved to the Bahamas on an early retirement. Leaving me with some pretty pissed off ankles as they are not used to having to bear weight in that manner.

Now I would like to say that these particular shoes are just uncomfortable to stand in, and move on. Unfortunately, it isn't just these particular shoes. I have several other pairs of shoes that are all equally uncomfortable to wear. In all honesty, the ones I have on today are some of the more comfortable of my dress shoes. I have a pair of Jones of New York loafers that I think were actually designed by the Texas penal system as some sort of punishment for chronic jay walkers. 

Maybe I have a talent for going out of my way to find the most uncomfortable shoes in the world and then purchasing them, but I can't buy into that. And ladies, I sympathize with you on the fact that you have to wear heels. I am so sorry. But you have to admit that a nice pair of heels makes an ordinary girl into a damn fine lookin' woman. And I am going to go along with that same theory for guys too. Sure the shoes may be really uncomfortable, but they look REALLY good.

It almost seems that the better a shoes looks, the more uncomfortable it is. Not always, but as a general rule. The shoes I have for my tux look incredible. I have to admit that they are stunning. But I don't even think that the Marquis de Sade ever thought of something as torturous as those things.

Perhaps the theory is that the more dressy the shoes, the less time you will actually spend standing in them. Well if that is the fallacy that cobblers are working under, then I have some news for them: Some people actually get dressed up and then go places and don't sit. 

However, even with me trying to tell someone, anyone, this information, I do not think that the world of fashion is going to listen to me. So for the foreseeable future, if I want to look nice, or dress up to look either like Bond, one of the Reservoir Dogs or any of the other really cool guys in a suit, I will just have to bear the pain of uncomfortable shoes.

Rating Criteria

What are they meant for: Looking fabulous, irritating nerve endings, creating bone disorders

Achievements of said goals: 9/10

They look great and they make up for it by destroying your feet.

Learning Curve: 8/10

It is real easy to figure out how long you can wear them, but the penalty for going over this limit is steep and generally results in needing a wheelchair and orthopedic surgery.

Enjoyability: 10/10

Even as painful as they are, they still look good. And looking good is really enjoyable. Who doesn't want to look good? Well besides your parents...

Overall: Better than having a personal trainer with ulterior motives but not quite as good as getting a surprise birthday party complete with hot girl coming out of a cake.

Cold Weather

Let me start by saying, I love clothing. I really do. I like to look nice or look like a bum (if that is the look I am going for). Clothing is a lot of fun. But clothing should not be mandatory to keep from dying of hypothermia.

Those of you who have known me for more than 3.62 seconds know that if left to my own devices, I might wear flip-flops every day forever. Out to dinner, flip-flops. Construction site, flip-flops. Funeral, flip-flops. My own wedding, actually I want to be barefoot at my wedding. But you get the point.

Now being from Southern Florida, this is not a problem. I can literally wear flip-flops all the time. Then I lived a little further north when I went to the University of Florida. It does get a little colder in North Florida, but still, I could wear flip-flops.

After being in Tennessee for less than a month we had a bit of snow and I quickly learned that I could not continue wearing my lack of footwear unless I wanted to have toes snap off.

Having to put on actual shoes is not the only problem I have with the cold temperatures that accompany living in this Land o' the Hillbilly. Along about the time that the temperature gets cold enough to turn harmless little water into a hard slippery substance that has a habit of making roads completely useless, everyone in this state forgets how to drive.

I discovered last year that driving on ice takes some skill unless you want to see how many times your vehicle will spin around in a circle before you technicolor yawn everything you have eaten previously in the day onto your dash.

Now the cold weather does have its upside. The aforementioned love of clothing means that I also like winter clothing. I love coats and sweaters and stuff. They are fun. I wish I could own more coats. I keep asking people to get my coats as presents as I don't like to be cold and Tennessee tends to have lower temperatures than I am accustomed to for like four or five months out of the year. At last count I am up to four pea-coats, two full length trench-coats, a ski jacket and a multitude of various sweatshirts and sweaters. I love to get dressed up.

However, this leads me to something else I hate about cold weather: the thermostat. Apparently everyone in the universe is under the impression that if the temperature outside gets colder, that they have to compensate by having the temperature inside resemble the blisteringly hot temperatures that were present during summer when they were saying, "I sure wish winter would hurry up and get here." This temperature compensation makes it IMPOSSIBLE to be comfortable in any clothing. If you dress so you can be comfortable outside, you die of heat exhaustion as soon as you enter a building unless you take off your jacket (which is as it should be), your scarf, your gloves, your sweater, your long sleeved shirt, your undershirt, your body hair and your top layer of skin. I am sorry, this is a tad excessive for me. I don't mind taking off my coat and maybe a sweater but why does it have to be 93 degrees inside?

So I think I might just continue to rant about other things cold weather brings but I am sure they can be encompassed into other reviews later so I am going to go ahead and give you some numerical values now.

Rating Criteria

What is it meant for: Getting to wear cool sweaters and scarves and jackets, to keep old people from getting in my way when I go out, to thin out population through the subtle use of weather related car accidents, to give old people something to talk about while they are cooped up inside, to get the left-wing nutjobs to shut up about global warming for a few months, to make me put on real shoes once in a while...

Achievement of intended goal: 4/10

Too many old people still get in my way and not enough stupid people die when they hit patches of ice. The old people and idiots then proceed directly to the nearest thermostat thereby preventing me from entering any man made structure.

Learning Curve: 6.5/10

The learning how to dress in order to not freeze or overheat takes some practice. Also the learning how to drive on ice takes some getting used to. These seem like things that should come more naturally than they do. Although I might be bitter still about the thermostat thing.

Enjoyability: 5/10

While I like the clothing, I do not like to lose feeling in my fingers when I forget where I put my gloves. And while I like to come into the warmth after being outside for a little while, I do not like entering a sauna. And while I like to snuggle up to that special gal under a blanket while watching TV, I do not like being forced to do it in order to keep us both from dying from exposure. Everything I like about cold weather also gives to something that I hate.

Overall: Better than having to watch a David Blaine marathon but not quite as good as an ice cold lager after mowing the lawn on a hot summer day.

Evan Williams

So for those of you not in the know, and who might think that this is going to be a review of a person, Evan Williams is a brand of decently cheap bourbon. And I might or might not have a love affair with said brand of bourbon.

This love-hate relationship with the fire water started shortly I had moved to Tennessee. About nine months before I had visited the Jack Daniel's distillery and actually decided that whiskey wasn't all that bad. 

I should also point out that I am not including scotch in the whiskey category. Scotch is its own special nectar that might or might not have been given to the human race by supernatural beings from a plane of pure heavenly majesty. That being said, other forms of whiskey didn't have the same magic to me and I wasn't a big fan. Especially not any of the cheaper whiskeys, and being that I was a rather poor college student, I couldn't afford to buy the expensive stuff for myself.

It probably also needs to be noted that whiskey is one of the only forms of alcohol that when I imbibe, I tend to get aggressive. Not so much angry. But if I ever get into a bar fight, it is probably a good bet that whiskey will be the cause.

So back to my discovery story of Mr. Williams. I had wandered into a liquor store looking for beer to take to a friend's house and came to a very HORRIFIC discovery. Liquor stores in Tennessee do not sell beer. They only sell wine and liquor (later I would find that some sell beer over 6% alcohol). So now, I am already running late and don't want to have to stop by a grocery that is probably out of my way, so I turn to get some Jack and find out that the Evan is like half the price. At the time I believe my local liquor store had it for $8.47 for a 750ml bottle. 

I think to myself, "What the hell? After drinking it for a little while, you won't taste the foulness anyway," and grabbed the bottle and went on to my friend's house. I have to confess that I don't exactly remember the rest of that evening, but I felt like crap the next day.

But I do remember being pleasantly surprised by the fact that Evan wasn't that bad. It isn't the best alcohol ever, but it is distinctly lacking in the rubbing alcohol taste that many other cheap whiskeys tend to have. I won't pretend that I have a great whiskey palate or anything, but to me this stuff is a lot better than other whiskeys in a similar price range (under $20 dollars for a bottle).

Now I will admit, I am a little bit of a cheap skate when it comes to liquor. Beer is a different story but this isn't a review of beer, it is a review of cheap bourbon. Although it no longer is as cheap as it was a year ago (stupid economy), I still find myself buying a bottle of it from time to time. 

I even took a large bottle of The Evan to the annual Beale Street Music Festival and we managed to sneak in about a liter of it per day. We never had any left over. And I never heard any complaints from my friends about the taste.

Basically it comes down to the fact that Evan Williams is decently cheap, doesn't make you go blind, doesn't taste like it was distilled from the rotting carcasses of animals found on the side of the road and could probably get a bull moose pretty hammered. Only drawback that I have found is that I generally feel like one of those rotting carcasses used to make other whiskeys the next morning. But hey, isn't that all part of being a raging alcoholic? 'Cause last time I checked, the things associated with alcoholism were hating morning due to hangovers and having a liver that is harder than titanium bricks.

I guess I can live with that though.

Rating Criteria

What is it meant for: Killing brain cells, disinfecting gun-shot wounds, cleaning the stove, getting attractive girls more likely to sleep with me and in a pinch making you see at least three of everything.

Achievement of said goal: 7.5/10

Now this is a little bit of a sliding scale. Obviously if I drink a bottle of this I am going to be on the floor asking people to hand me down more drinks. But being cheap bourbon I am rating this on the number of drinks versus how drunk I get scale, and since it is only 40 proof then it takes a bit before I am asking penguins for directions to the bathroom.

Learning Curve: 8/10

By learning curve, I am talking about how easy is it to over do it on the first bottle and wind up with your head against vomity porcelain. Being that I am rating this on straight whiskey and not in a mixed drink I am going to say that isn't very likely unless you are being super masochistic. Although this could be my imagination, but this does seem to pack a punch though if you aren't careful.

Enjoyability: 8/10

I can honestly drink this stuff straight or on the rocks from sobriety all the way to rehab. It does get easier as the night goes on though. Although if you really object to the taste at first you can get the plastic bottle, wrap your lips around the opening, upend the bottle and squeeze to get it in your stomach faster and thereby getting drunk so quickly you could drink Fish flavored Tapioca Lemonade and not mind it so much.

Overall: Better than receiving discount brain surgery in the back of some guys van but due to potential for a fairly violent hangover the next morning, is not as good as say a few good bong rips while watching Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.

Juno

So once again spoilers will be kept to the minimum but they still might be in there. So consider yourself warned. There is your disclaimer.

So as some of my friends and family know, I am neurotic about not watching trailers and finding out about a movie before I go into it. I basically like to go in blind. This movie wasn't a whole lot different. I had seen a single trailer for it about a month ago and tried to put it out of mind.

All I knew was that it had the dorky son from Arrested Development (aka Michael Cera) and that he had somehow drugged some girl, slept with her and got her pregnant. Although the drugging the girl wasn't actually in the movie or even implied but how else is that kid gonna get any action. Actually I really like Michael Cera, but let's be honest, he isn't much of a Don Juan.

Now I know this is also a really shallow thing to say, but from the very start of this movie, I was captivated with Ellen Page (of the Kitty Pryde from X3 fame). She was adorable and quirky in a very adorable way. Her character, Juno (of the title of this movie fame), is exactly the kind of girl that I would love to accidentally impregnate... or at least repeatedly try.

Within the first few minutes I instantly fell in love with the music in the movie. It was well chosen and added to the comedy that was already present in much of the dialogue. I don't know who was in charge of music selection but they are possibly just as brilliant as whoever decided to get the wonderful and addictive Ellen Page to be in this movie.

And I know I am singling out Ellen Page for praise but that was because she was really cute, which is a hard thing to do pregnant, but she still managed to pull it off. But in fact there wasn't really anyone in this movie that didn't do a superb job in their acting. Jason Bateman (also from Arrested Development fame) was particularly convincing in his portrayal of the "less than excited to be a Dad" husband of Jennifer Garner. I am not going to take time to single out EVERY actor and actress in the movie as there wasn't anyone who really let the ball drop on the acting front.

Now, I had expected a comedic quirky coming of age story similar to the movie Saved! where a chick has to grow up faster than she wants due to pregnancy but unlike its evangelical satirical cousin, Juno actually dealt with some serious issues in a less than funny approach. That to me made this movie much more of "slice of life" story than a coming of age comedy involving pregnancy, dorky boys in tiny track shorts and oh so adorable Ellen Page (have I mentioned how much I like Ellen Page?).

Rating Criteria
What it was meant for: A peculiar take on the good ol' story of a teenage girl who gets knocked up and has to deal with that and growing up.

Achievement of intended goal: 9/10
The movie is well written and well acted. It seems relatively realistic except that real life doesn't have as many witty conversations or no where nearly as cool of a soundtrack.

Ease of being engaged: 7/10
Side note: Up until this point (read "the first two reviews") I have used Learning Curve but that doesn't really work for movies so I am going to use this category as basically the ability to forget you are watching actors. Basically how easy is it to suspend disbelief.
Occasionally with the actors (Jason Bateman and Michael Cera in particular) it was hard to imagine them as anything but the characters I had seen them play elsewhere. Even so the movie still was emotionally engaging and easy to get involved in.

Enjoyability: 9/10
Taking everything into account, this movie has everything. It had laughs and it had moments where I was ready to cry either from joy or sorrow. It was very easily enjoyed. Even the retirees in the theater with us enjoyed it (apparently movies shown from 12 - 2 in the afternoon have a high retiree population).

Overall: Better than forgetting your wash in the machine for a week and winding up with mildewy clothing but not quite as good as getting to knock up Ellen Page (but let's be honest, what is?).

Assassin's Creed (Xbox 360 Version)

So, I really really really REALLY hate spoilers, so I am going to try to keep them to a minimum but I can't very well review a game without giving a few things away so this is your warning to back out if you want. I am not going to be giving out a lot of info on it but there will be some.

Disclaimer over.

Now I didn't know much about this game going into it. I knew you were an assassin during the crusades and part of the game took place in Jerusalem. And I knew that they had gotten the rights to the "oh so attractive" chick from Veronica Mars (aka Kristen Bell). This game happens five years in the future using a machine that allows people to see the memories of their ancestors through the cunning use of... wait for it... memories lodged in your DNA. You play the part of Desmond Miles, who is a bartender/used to be assassin and whose ancestor was an assassin during the crusades.

Now part of this that I didn't realize until the credits and kind of irritated me was that Desmond and Altair, although using the EXACT same face and body, did not share a voice actor even though they sound really similar. I don't know exactly why this irritated me, but it does.

Apart from this, the game was pretty enjoyable. It does get a bit repetitious at times but the story line more than made up for this. And actually, if you are into the story, the bits of repetition kind of make sense. The only annoying part was that the voice actors of the extras obviously only were hired to do like three lines each and so occasionally you were forced to overhear the same bits of extra dialogue thirty-seven million times.

There was a lot in this game that I assume could have been missed if a player was not really into the story and so a lot of elements of the story and game could have been missed but that to me only adds to the environment and therefore the enjoyment of the game. And I fully understand someone not liking the game because they didn't like the fact that not ALL of the story was presented to them like it would be in a movie. But at the same time, if someone doesn't like this game due to that, I would also think that they were an idiot.

The ending to me SCREAMED "sequel," which doesn't really excite me. Don't get me wrong, I would love to play the sequel to this game, but at the same time, Assassin's Creed had so much story that it promised to tell you (and by this I mean explain about what was going on) and then it didn't because of what I am assuming is allusion to a sequel, that it was rather irritating. At this point in time (and that point being the point without said sequel) I would have preferred explanation of all the bits of the story rather than have the "I wonder what this means..." ending that I was given.

The game play was rather easy to pick up. Although it kind of follows a pattern set forth by MANY a game before it where you start out with uber-gear and then lose it and have to earn it back. And starting out with said uber-gear, I was unaware exactly how to use it to its full ability. But that is the fun of video games. As I earned it back I was able to figure out how to use abilities that let me do really really cool things. And the control scheme made it so that it was really easy to make my character do really cool things. However, this was a curse as much as it was an advantage. At the same time as it was easy to do cool things, it was also very easy to do not cool things which used the exact same buttons as the cool things did. In short, I could have been done a lot sooner if I could have had better control of what I was doing but as the game uses the same button combos for MULTIPLE MULTIPLE actions, the character winds up doing actions that I would have rather he not preformed.

The game (at least on the 360) also is a great way to boost your player score. I found it really easy to unlock achievements and although I haven't checked to my exact number, I think I gained somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 points for this game. And that's not too shabby for a four day weekend for a casual gamer such as myself.

All in all it was enjoyable, ending and everything. If it is the first part in a trilogy, I anxiously await the later installments. The story is great, the game play is fun, and the graphics are pretty decent (granted I am sure it would have looked better had I an HDTV but it looked good enough on my old Sony at the point blank range I play at) and that made for a altogether enjoyable experience.

Rating Criteria
What it is meant for: An action game exploring the realm of crusade-era middle east.

Achievement of intended goals: 8.5/10
The game is pretty immersive and if you are willing, lets you be sucked into the world of the game.

Learning Curve: 9/10
It takes a little getting used to, but once you figure it out, the game lets you perform incredibly cool actions with relative ease. The only downside to this is performing the right action at the right time but with a little patience and determination, this is second nature and easy as dialing a 1-900 number.

Enjoyablility: 9/10
I found this game to be extremely enjoyable. The repetition was okay because I found the parts that were repetitive to be fun. The bits I didn't like weren't repeated often and if the success of the Hitman series is anything to go by, then who doesn't enjoy playing the part of an assassin?

Overall: Better than a serving of Curried Peanut Butter Swedish Meatballs but not quite as good as a liter of relatively expensive single malt scotch with a kinky, attractive girl who is totally into you who is willing to drink it with you.

The Southern Language

Now I know what some of you are saying. Something along the lines of "The Southern Language? You idiot, southerners speak English like the rest of America."

I am here to tell you that that is false.

First, like 22% of people living in America don't speak English at all. And then like another 25% of people speak English with such a strong foreign accent you can't understand them. And then there is the south, and that's like 45% of America. Leaving roughly 33% (have I ever mentioned I am not good with math) speaking English I can understand.

I grew up in Southern Florida and knew accents mostly from the New England area. Well New England and Cuba. So I understand them pretty well. And then a few years ago (for reasons probably brought on by alcohol or narcotics) I moved just outside of Memphis. It took me several weeks before I understood ANYONE. 

A friend from here dubbed me a "Florida Yankee" and occasionally will translate from "Hick" to English. In fact, a lot of my friends here have to do this for me. Well that is, when I am not having to ask them to translate themselves. 

The Southern Language is a confusing mix of mispronunciations, word switching and replacing and confusing proverbs. All of this with a heavy twang. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I find out that there is more than one dialect of the Southern Language. The people in Tennessee differ from those of Texas or Georgia or Virginia or, heaven help me, North Carolina. Each of these states has it's own dialect and is equally perplexing to my ears. 

I have been in the area for two years at this point and have found that the best way to learn to speak a new language is indeed to submerge yourself in it. I try very hard not to speak the language myself but have found understanding it with relative ease. Now if only I could get people to not give me directions based on what the area looked like 10 or 15 years ago...

Rating Criteria

What it is meant for: Communication. That or to discuss cotton...

Achievement of intended use: 7/10

After a lot of doing, it gets the point across but then again I can usually get my point across in a game of charades.

Learning Curve: 7/10

It took me over a year to be able to understand people to the point where I don't have to ask them to repeat themselves multiple times in a single conversation.

Enjoyability: 8.5/10

What can I say? A girl with a southern accent still gets me going.

Overall: Better than being pantsless in a room full of badgers with honey on your genitals but worse than a coupon for a  "Free something with the purchase of something three times more expensive."

First!

Well, I was trying to decide what I should start out with. A movie? A video game? An intoxicating beverage? I finally came to the conclusion that maybe an introduction to the blog would be the best first post. 

This is not meant to really be taken seriously. I plan on giving my points of view (of which I have many) but doing so in a light hearted fashion. If I offend someone with something I say, I guess I am sorry but no one should be taking this stuff seriously enough to get offended by it. So I guess that takes care of the disclaimer portion of the intro.

I also want to warn people that I don't believe that I need to have intimate knowledge of EVERYTHING in order to determine whether or not I enjoy something. And that is going to be the main purpose of this blog. To let other people know whether or not I find stuff enjoyable or not. Whether or not you agree with me isn't really a big deal. If you want to know whether or not you agree with me I have devised a simple test.

1. Do you enjoy receiving oral sex?

B. Do you enjoy being poked repeatedly in the eye by a sharp stick?

If you answer "yes" to 1. and "no" to B. then we are agreed. If you answered anything else, you scare me and please seek psychiatric help soon. The kind of help that Tom Cruise thinks is useless and is in desperate need of himself.

But seriously, this blog isn't. It is just a bit of fun. So sit back and read and enjoy and hopefully you will have a few laughs. Although I can't promise anything.

~Sam

::EDIT:: I make typos from time to time... so fucking sue me.